Kashiki unleashes chaos at Masilikali Hospital
Bratelli Lupokoma in the Kashiki Chronicles featuring as Kashiki
As February the month of love tiptoes into our lives like a shy goat at a dance, we extend our warmest greetings from our humble abode nestled in the Matenda Facilitating Epidemic Zone (MaFEZ). This is the proud territory of Ba Zungu Tobacco (BZT) and the ever-expanding Kashiki clan, where the air is thick with ambition and the scent of tobacco wafts like a sweet promise.
I may seem to you like I am just an insignificant cigarette, but I am sure you have heard by now how I recently, orchestrated a strategic operation that would make even the greatest military minds weep with envy. With a single, delicate puff, I unleashed pandemonium upon the Masilikali Hospital. The army generals and top-notch commandos, those brave souls who usually charge into battle like a herd of wounded buffalo on steroids, turned into a flurry of feathers, flapping about like chickens caught in a storm as the smoke alarm blared its urgent cry. Oh, what a sight it was – Zambia’s finest warriors, retreating in sheer terror from… little old me!
What a glorious spectacle! I triumphed over those army bigwigs and their so-called gallant military experts, who were meant to be tending to the ailing!
But my triumph is merely a chapter in a grander saga – my ongoing battle against public health in Zambia. And let me tell you, any war is both physical and psychological. I’m winning on both fronts.
Physically, my record is as clear as day. I claim over 7,000 Zambian lives each year, with another 800 falling victim to the perils of second-hand smoke. In reality, it is closer to 10,000 lives snuffed out by my toxic embrace annually.
As the Kashiki family, alongside our esteemed ally Honourable Kapoka Ngelema, we have masterfully spun a tall tale that smoking and tobacco are the lifeblood of the Zambian economy. We would have you believe that if Zambia dares to regulate tobacco consumption through sensible robust legislation, the entire economy would crumble like an elephant in a masuku or banana tree. Yet, the truth, as revealed by empirical studies, is that tobacco contributes a mere whisper—less than half a percent—to Zambia’s GDP! Meanwhile, Ba Zungu Tobacco (BZT), the purveyor of the cigarettes that wreaked havoc at Masilikali hospital, continues to bask in ludicrous tax breaks, all while they dismantle the very fabric of Zambian lives. To add insult to injury, BZT imports its equipment duty-free, hastening the untimely departure of our youth to the great beyond, “ichalo cha-ma luba-luba,” far too soon.
It is a bizarre situation, but I’m not complaining. As a cigarette, my goal is to sell as many of myself as possible, regardless of the human cost. And with the government’s help through their investment of public service pension funds in BZT in the Ma-Fez, I’m able to do just that.
So, to the army generals and elite commandos at Masilikali Hospital, I say: you may have been trained to face danger, but you are no match for me – Kashiki, the mighty cigarette.
